Inner dialogue and the language that we use is inextricably linked to how we feel, which in turn affects our behaviors and relationships. Often times, we are unaware of our thoughts and inner dialogue as so many thought processes are ruminative and automatic—like a record playing in the background. “Should” is a word that is a common problem for everyone. When we tell ourselves “should,” we place judgment on ourselves. “Should” statements usually express unreasonable standards for ourselves and others. When applied to self, this contributes to unhealthy levels of guilt, shame, regret, frustration, discouragement or hopelessness.
When applied to other people (when others don’t live up to our “should” or “shouldn’t” expectations) we can feel hurt, frustrated, or resentful. We assume that blaming ourselves with “should” or “shouldn’t be” or “shouldn’t have” will motivate us to change. Typically, by using “should” statements, we are less likely to feel motivation for change.
Modifying language can be very helpful in reducing the use of “should” statements. Below are some examples:
“This should be so easy for me”.
Modification: “I would like to get better at this.”
“They shouldn’t have treated me that way.”
Modification: “They could have acted differently.”
“I should be exercising regularly.”
Modification: “I could exercise more. I would like to exercise more.”
“They should’ve included me in their plans.”
Modification: “They could have reached out and included me.”
Replacing “should” with “could” or “would like” carries a less judgmental and shaming tone. “Should” statements simply blame, while using alternative language acknowledges the reality that we want to be different and encourages a more helpful outcome.